Tales from a Bruised Mind

*This post mentions elements of suicide and depression. If you’re struggling, visit my help page, or reach out to those you love*

Over the past five years, I have most definitely had my ups and downs. Who hasn’t? A lot of that has to do with my condition, but as much as a lot of people believe that bipolar disorder is “a mix of moods”, in reality, it’s far more complex.

I didn’t know I had bipolar 1 disorder until around December 2020. Before that, what was happening to me and my brain was very much misunderstood. The doctors and clinicians were trying to piece it all together – no easy job, I must say.

Two of the most difficult times I’ve ever had were in 2019 and 2020. Not far off being exactly a year apart.

The first, I found myself lost completely in my mind, with heavy symptoms of mania and delusions. The second time, in 2020, things were similar, but I was more aggressive and out of control. I didn’t know what I was doing, and didn’t understand it at all.

Manic episodes are nasty because you have no control. You say and do things you wouldn’t regularly do. You take risks that could change your life forever. It’s bloody awful, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

As terrible as those manic episodes were, the resulting periods of depression were just as bad, if not worse.

Bipolar is tricky because it is the worst of both – manic highs and terrible, low of lows. Depression affects many of us in so many different and unique ways. For me, I get hit with a sense of dread, I lose the interests in things I usually love, I become reclusive and find it hard to see any positivity in my life. I also struggle to eat properly and look after myself, so it’s arguably worse for me than manic times.

It’s true: there are positive points to both, and that’s called my baseline, or my neutral state of mind – somewhere straight down the middle. I wish I could always be in this state, and for a lot of the time, I am. And that makes me happy.

Tiny explosions of mania help me to write, to concentrate and to be driven in my work. I’ll come back to this in another post, but there are surprisingly benefits to severe mental illnes.

So how did I get through this really rough times?

Well, I had to sit back, accept defeat and just wait…

Being patient is one of the best things you can do in these situations. Getting flustered and wanting your life to be back to what it was before is just simply not realistic. It’s just not. You’re much better off taking time out, whether that be from work or your usual daily life, and focusing on getting better.

Some things you can do can include:

• Doing regular exercise
• Listening to, or writing music
• Working on a project you love
• Do your hobbies
• Reach out and surround yourself with people you can trust
• Practise deep breathing techniques

For me, I had to accept defeat and take a step back. I had all these goals, dreams and aspirations to be the best version of myself, but I had to realise that I was only young and had my whole life ahead of me. Stepping back to be better later can make quite a sizable difference.

I hope that makes sense. You can’t be hard on yourself if you are struggling. You just need to live day by day and enjoy the small things.

That’s how I got through the worst of it, and you can, too.

Love,

Zak