Tales from a Bruised Mind

Relationships are part of our core being. Whether that be a friendship with a good mate, your close family, or a spouse or romantic partner, the interactions we have with each other are crucially important to how we live our lives.

Only a few short years ago, I had it all: a decent job, a loving girlfriend and an amazing family to support me. Life couldn’t have been any better, to be honest.

But then, as you may have already read in this blog, things got very unstuck. It was exceptionally challenging to live a ‘normal’ life like my peers were doing because I had so many issues within. I was in bloody agony.

Relationships and mental health can intertwine successfully, other times they can be a total disaster.

When I first went to hospital in 2019, my girlfriend at the time was in shock. Like everyone else, she didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. She honestly thought I was a goner. I didn’t hold much hope either, and was very confused about who I was and why I was there. The whole idea of existence was a mess for me.

I understood clearly that my mental health was having a negative impact on my partner, but some things were out of my control. I thought, honestly, that she would leave me and that I was too much work. I felt like a burden.

But she didn’t leave. She stuck through it and as I came out the other side feeling much better, I could show her that I was fine and that I could get through the hard times: we just had to be patient.

When I relapsed in 2020, things were very different. My partner was very concerned that it had happened again and, not long after I left hospital, she decided to part ways. I have thought a lot about this time because it destroyed me. Losing someone you love at a vulnerable time of your life is heartbreaking and soul-crushing.

Some of the reasons I think my partner left was:

• She was scared of what could happen
• She thought I may never return to how I was before
• She didn’t know how to support me
• Our future together would be different because of my mental health
• She had never experienced something like this before

As I’ve said before, mental illness can significantly impact not just yourself, but the people around you and those you hold close.

So you may be wondering: do I look back at that time negatively and with a sense of sadness?

I sort of do, but at the same time, I have to move on with my life and into the next chapter. I wish we could still be friends, but sometimes life isn’t like that.

Even now, in 2024, I still think of her and the fun we had before all this shit happened. I have the occasional dream of her here and there, some good, some bad. As tough as it is to say, that time for me was traumatising. It’s an era that I’ll likely never fully recover from. A time I wish I’ll never have to go through again.

But how does this align me for future relationships?

Well, my confidence certainly took a hit, and has never fully recovered. I’m ready to find the right person, but I needed YEARS of therapy to work through the past and work on myself, first.

Here’s some Zak tips on navigating romantic relationships with mental illness:

1. Make sure you are ready for a relationship – as cliche as it is to say, working on yourself first is crucial. You need to have a good understanding of what you are after, and your expectations, before getting very involved with someone. If you’re not feeling 100 percent, it’s probably a wise idea to not get into a long-term relationship.
2. Be open about your experiences and situation – don’t hide what you’re feeling, or bottle things up. Be open with your partner and be honest with how you are feeling and what your thoughts are. Be honest about your condition and explain what your partner can do to help or support you
3. Don’t rely too heavily on your partner – your loved one is there for you, and should be there for you, but don’t put too much pressure on them to the point where they become a carer, rather than a partner
4. Be respectful and watch what you say and do – sometimes we can go above and beyond with what we say and do when we are suffering, so try and be mindful of that if you are having a particularly rough time
5. Mental illness can be make or break – what I mean by this is that you very well might find that your illness could take a toll on your relationship and stretch the healthy parameters. However, it may also be totally fine, especially if both of you have had mental illness experiences in the past.

I’d like to add that I am not a relationship expert, or specifically trained in relationships. I have had quite a lot of lived experience, but that’s about as far as I go.

Take care and look after each other.

Love,

Zak