Tales from a Bruised Mind

When I had my first manic episode, the doctors said it was psychosis. I remember going home and Googling it. I was so confused, as I had never heard of this mental illness before.

What I found was pretty overwhelming (note to self: don’t Google health stuff!)

Psychosis is defined by the National Institute of Mental Health as:

A collection of symptoms that affect the mind, where there has been some loss of contact with reality. During an episode of psychosis, a person’s thoughts and perceptions are disrupted and they may have difficulty recognizing what is real and what is not.

It sounds like something out of a movie, right? For me, reading the symptoms online, and from what the doctors had said, it all shaped up. It made sense. That was exactly how I was feeling at the time.

Grandiose thoughts, feelings of power and strength, delusional thoughts, paranoia, the list rolls on.

Your brain can do some crazy things sometimes, but why?

The mind is complex, and so is psychosis. Several factors can come into play, such as past trauma or stress, substance abuse, and even genetic makeup and history of mental illness in the family.

For me, it was extensive exposure to a lot of stress that did it. It was stress-induced psychosis. Many of the doctors didn’t believe that I had not taken drugs, but I sweared on my life that I never did.

Psychosis is hard to describe, but if you’ve ever seen the movie Limitless, starring Bradley Cooper, it gives you a pretty good idea of things. Bradley’s character takes a pill that basically gives him incredible brain power. In the movie, he writes a book in a night or two, and has so much bounding energy.

That’s kind of what experiencing psychosis is like. But, for me, it was way scarier.

You don’t have control, your mind has the control and it’s sort of like you’re sitting in the backseat of your mind as it drives along for you. You can’t control your actions and you can’t be logical. It sucks.

Some people in this world go searching high and low for that feeling. I couldn’t think of anything worse.

Psychosis can be a symptom of a bigger problem

Psychosis can be just the little crack that starts things. Psychosis can be a symptom of more intense and life-altering illnesses such as bipolar and schizophrenia.

I’ve unfortunately got a bit of all three, which complicates things further.

I may have a manic episode with psychotic elements, but then things get more complicated with periods of deep depression and feelings of worthlessness.

So how can you win? Well, you can only cope.

Medication is a big mechanism to keep your brain at bay. I have taken anti-psychotics for the last four years, and without them, I can deteriorate quickly.

But why?

I’m not sure, and I’ll probably have to study myself and my brain for the rest of my life.

Maybe the chemical balance in my brain is off? Maybe I struggled more as a kid than I realised? Maybe I have some secret family genetic quality that makes me who I am today?

These are all logical questions. I just wish I had a good answer.

And I wish there was a cure. Because feeling mentally shithouse is not a good thing at all.

And a lot of you will be able to agree with me on that one.

Stay well, and I’ll try to as well.

Love,

Zak