Tales from a Bruised Mind

When I found myself by the roadside in 2019 and had no idea why I was there, I couldn’t have been more alone, not just physically, but mentally, too. My brain had cranked itself to level 1000.

I thought I’d been drugged. Some of the tiny particles inside my brain had well and truly tripped my internal fuse. It was a strange out-of-body experience.

I’ve told a lot of people this, but suffering a really bad brain episode is a lot like riding in the backseat of a car hurtling down the highway. You have no control of what the car or the driver is doing. And even if something does go wrong, there would be very little you could do to change things for the better.

My first psychotic episode was just like that. Some people openly search to temporarily lose control of reality – I get it, life gets tough at times – but for a fleeting moment, having that loss of control will be daunting and ultimately pretty terrifying.

I speak from plenty of lived experience.

My brain had acted so weird that, after recovering in the safe confines of my family home, I pledged to learn about my mind and what makes me tick. I also pledged to learn my warning signs, which I’d like to dedicate this post to.

Let me begin by talking about big warning signs for me and what the physical implications can be.

Unfortunately, things only seem to get more complicated with my illness as time goes by, as more factors come to play and my medical team work out what’s happening within my mind.

A bad mental state for me can be broken down into several key areas: psychosis (including mania), anxiety and stress, and deep depressive phases.

Some doctors have said I have bipolar disorder, some have said schizophrenia, others a mix of both, also known as schizoaffective disorder. Anyway, let’s continue.

Psychosis (bouts of mania)

Psychosis, for me, is brought on by high levels of stress in my life. When things get too much, and I’m really stressed out, I may experience the following warning signs:

• elevated mood
• lack of sleep/ no need for sleep
• feeling extremely positive/untouchable/powerful
• spending lots of money
• struggling to figure out what is real and what is not
• bouts of odd behaviour
• going walkabout

Anxiety and high levels of stress

• worrying about essentially everything in my life
• lack of appetite and nausea, anxiety surrounding eating
• drinking more alcohol than usual
• difficulty concentrating and staying on task
• feelings of dread, panic or even a panic attack
• very emotional moments, including crying

Seriously bad periods of depression

• feelings of worthlessness
• wanting to sleep all the time and not socialise
• sleeping too much
• not washing clothes or showering when I should
• feelings of self harm
• feeling extremely low
• losing interest in things I love

So, how do I know when to act?

At first, I had no idea what to do, but, as the wise Zak once said: you will learn.

Unfortunately, it will likely take a close call or a full-blown episode for you to truly wake up to your brain and what it is really capable of.

But, the best thing is, as time passes, you learn a little bit about yourself every.single.day.

And so I have learnt over the past five years a few key things, which I’ll outline below:

1. You won’t be able to cure your brain with a stack of therapy or by taking a bundle of medications – a lot of what you go through with your brain will be about management and ultimately acceptance of your new (and great) life.
2. Write down all of your early warning signs, or make a handy mind map and stick it to your wall. Study them very well
3. Create your support network, including by getting in contact with your local GP, a psychologist or psychiatrist, a community team and even learn where your nearest hospital is. Trust me, it’s the small things that make a difference here.
4. Your initial diagnosis might change. Mine has personally changed around three times since my first episode, so be open and accepting as your brain adapts and your time with medical teams change naturally.
5. Don’t sit in silence. Getting help and recognising the signs is crucial in getting the right support and help when you need it most.

My takeaway line for those reading out there is that the more we learn about ourselves, the better our lives will become.

For the minority that will suffer a significant mental health episode throughout their life, it will be life changing, but with the right support and a sense of self-awareness, a very good life can be had!

Take care and look after yourselves,

Love,

Zak