Tales from a Bruised Mind

In the time that rolled on between my first and second significant mental health episodes, life was pretty good. I had great support, a very loving family, good medical care and a great network of friends to be there for me, day in and day out.

My life was so good that I decided to move out of home with my long-term girlfriend. I got a new job working in insurance and I felt just really, really stable. Probably the best I had felt for a very long time. I honestly felt that my problems were finally behind me.

I felt so good that I talked with my care team about what to do next and they suggested taking me off my medications.

But that was a huge mistake.

This is the story of why taking your meds is important, and what I learnt from the whole ordeal.

Flashback to late November, 2020

The world became a very different place when COVID-19 began. A lot of people got sick, a lot of people lost their jobs or their lives, and a lot of people lost their sense of worth and any sense of value or opportunity in their day to day existence.

For me, I was lucky to be living in Brisbane with my girlfriend. I had successfully recovered from a serious mental episode in March 2019, just weeks before my 21st birthday. I had spent months recovering, not working and just trying to live my life the best way I could with what I had.

In late November, I was doing so well that the decision was made by my medical team to take me off medications that I would later learn were completely keeping me afloat. At the time, I was taking an anti-psychotic drug called Aripriprazole, or better known by its brand name Abilify.

See, in 2019, I suffered a psychotic episode, and experienced psychosis, so I was put on Abilify to help keep me on the straight and narrow. Abilify is a mood stabiliser and can keep you from getting very high (manic) or extremely low (depression). It had been over a year since I had begun on this medication, and it was so far so good. It was working.

But taking me off this medication was disastrous.

Why going off medication can be a really bad idea

It’s crazy when you think that one pill that you might take either by day or night can have such huge impacts on your life and your body.

Under the doctor’s guidance, I stopped the Abilify immediately (I don’t recall being weaned off it) and remained on my anti-depressant, called Sertraline. Within a week, I was back in hospital in the worst possible way.

It all began with a mental breakdown. Loads of people have breakdowns, but this, for me, was a relapse. I lost complete control and, most frighteningly, at a rapid pace.

Why?

Well, whatever Abilify was doing inside my brain, whether that be altering the chemistry slightly or whatever, it was doing a bloody good job. The decision to take me off that particular drug was a good thing, I thought. But the whole situation just made me more manic, more unstable, and more aggressive.

Not only did I have to go back through the hospital system, but I had to endure the trauma, depression and just plain awfulness that results from a mental episode.

I say this all the time, but I don’t wish what I have been through onto anyone, no matter how much of a shit person they might happen to be.

My learnings from time without medication

Most doctors will tell you that medication is not everything and they’d be pretty right. Medication won’t cure your mental disorder or illness, or solve the world’s problems.

Medication, to me, is a tool to help you live as close to a normal life as possible, and although it does mask a lot of the symptoms, it isn’t perfect.

For me, taking medication is now a daily ritual. I wake up and take meds and take more meds before I go to sleep. That’s just my life now, whether I like it or not.

But I have, most importantly, learnt the hard way that medication, for me, is crucial. If my psychiatrist or mental health practitioner says they are thinking of reducing or adding to my current medication, I ask them why and tell them why that formula shouldn’t change.

Why fix it if it’s not broken?

I’ve heard from doctors past and present that the biggest fight mental health workers have with patients is the fact they won’t take their meds, therefore making themselves worse time and time again.

It’s a vicious cycle that really is never ending. Some people believe it’s their body, so it’s their right to do as they wish. But let me tell you, medication can help.

I’m not a doctor by any means, but I do understand how medication can have positive (and negative) affects on a person.

I’ll finish this post by throwing this thought at you.

Think of a boat sitting in the middle of the ocean. It’s got a small hole, and water is gradually leaking in. If you’re onboard, you can bail out the water, keeping the boat afloat, but it won’t completely fix the issue. The bucket is an example of medication. It’ll help, but it won’t be a cure to fix the water coming into the boat. But the bucket will likely get the boat back to port, where there may be better options or solutions for the boat. Who knows!

I hope that makes sense!

With love,

Zak