Tales from a Bruised Mind

Since I started this little blog, I have spent a lot of the time talking pretty frankly about the negatives of my mental state: the hard days, the deep depressive phases, the manic highs, the feelings of worthlessness, of trauma and of terrible, non-stop stress and anxiety.

However, as much as our brain might like to paint the always-negative picture for us, the reality is that for every five bad days comes ten great days.

So this very blog post will address how I am feeling at this very moment and that I am thankful because it is, of all things, really good at the moment.

Bipolar has phases that flow up and down

The ongoing battle with my brain so far certainly has had its rough phases, or waves. Bipolar disorder is pretty annoying in the fact that it’s incredibly unstable and unpredictable. It makes you believe that life may never be the same again.

But the truth is that if you feel like your world is crashing down around you, the waves will subside with time. Things will go calm and stability will return.

For instance, late last year, I was at a real low point. I was alone and struggling to cope with my illness. I was far away from my closest support network, my family. And even though I had great professional and clinical support, it just wasn’t enough.

It got so bad that I had to take myself to hospital because it wasn’t safe for me to elsewhere. But that’s ok. It’s totally okay to be vulnerable and needing to seek help. Part of that is modern life.

Anyway, it took me a few months to get back on my feet. I had felt that my confidence had been destroyed, I was worrying all of the time and couldn’t ever think straight.

As 2024 began, I tried to make things work by keeping myself busy with work, trying to get out there socially and, most of all, just tried to relax.

I honestly thought my depression from late in 2023 was there to stay, but it didn’t. Slowly but surely, I felt better.

And so, for once, I got to ride the wave, rather than being crushed by it. It was a breath of fresh air. It felt bloody good.

And so that leads me to now, the positive present.

Accepting who we are and the world around us

Feeling good while dealing with severe mental illness is not just about positive mindset. It’s also about accepting what we can and cannot change.

Most recently, I have thought a lot about this. I have begun to realise a few key things:

• I can’t change who I am as a person
• I can’t change what I naturally think ie. stressing
• I can make positive actions to help my life
• I can fully accept the past and move forward
• I can accept my mental condition and work around it to suit me best
• I can accept there will be good and bad days

June 2024 has been a time of acceptance for me. And it has somehow worked very well. Sure, I still feel stressed and anxious from time to time, but I can sort of control it. I feel strong. I feel empowered.

I have realised I can’t live my life thinking everything will be perfect and completely under control. Life just isn’t like that. It’s far more complicated than that. I have realised that things can and will happen from time to time that may upset me, or hurt me, or make me feel shit.

That’s just life. Life is unpredictable, just like my brain. But that won’t stop me from having fun.

Write down the good bits of your day

I urge you, if you’re reading this, to go and write down the best bits that have happened to you today, or this week, or this month.

Don’t write down the bits that have been challenging, or tough, or really stressful.

Write down a fun movie you watched, or some great food you ate, or a beautiful beach you found and went swimming at.

Life is all about cherishing these memories and living them as best you can. Cherish it!

Love,

Zak