Tales from a Bruised Mind

*This post mentions feelings of depression, anxiety and some suicidal thoughts

November 2023. What a dreadful point in my life.

I remember then that I was so incredibly depressed. I felt every sort of miserable. I had no positive outlook on life, no matter how hard I tried to turn things the other way.

I found work hard, living hard, life hard.

I can only describe it as if my depressive events were like a giant cyclone hitting the north Australian coastline: ferocious, powerful and long lasting.

It was a very grey time in my life and I honestly wish I don’t ever have to go through that again.

But deep down I realise it probably will happen again, no matter how much I try. Just like a very unpredictable cyclone…

A bit about November 2023

It started out of what seemed to be nowhere. I was very happy and laser-focused at work. I was kicking goals, or so I thought.

When I began to struggle to pull myself out of bed, to face work, to eat food and have an appetite… everything changed.

I felt hopeless and useless, I couldn’t see any brightness in my life. It was as if someone had thrown a weighted blanket over my life. I felt like I was suffocating with no room to move or to breathe.

When I eventually had no hope for me in this world, I called the hospital and said I was on my way.

I had decided it for myself: I was heading straight to St Vincents to get the help I needed.

Recognising the signs helped me stay above water

When I was at my lowest, I somehow managed to recognise the signs and what to do to avoid a full-blown episode. These things included:

• Keeping myself in a safe environment, either at home or at a clinic/hospital
• Not going walkabout
• Remembering to eat and drink regularly
• Remembering the early warning sign techniques (there are many)
• Getting a decent amount of sleep
• Taking my medications
• Knowing that it WILL pass with time
• Trying to be patient

If it wasn’t for the many, many months of relapse prevention training, I would have easily fully relapsed in November, 2023.

As a result, I only spent two days in hospital and Dad flew down to take me back to the Sunshine Coast. At that stage, I needed to be well away from Sydney. I needed to be safe at home.

As of today, it’s been 12 months since I last found myself in hospital and now I’m better than I have ever been.

And while I could look back on these hard times, or choose to not look back at all, it’s awesome to see how far I have come since then.

Take it easy,

Zak