Tales from a Bruised Mind

You’ll always hear people saying that photos keep the memories going forever, long, long after the times have passed. ‘Capturing the moment’ is cliche, but very accurate. For those who struggle sometimes to remember the good times, photos are an important lifeline. The same can be said about music, actually. Songs can transport you to another time and place. It’s wonderful.

I recently went back to the earliest photos I had on my Macbook, which is now showing its age and is remarkable agile still since it was born in mid-2015. I thought Apple batteries died after four years?

As I scrolled my way through all the photos, I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the shit we used to get up to as teenagers, the adventures, the beach days, the nightclubs with friends on Saturday nights, the roadtrips that I’ll never, ever forget.

And then there are those sad memories captured, days I wished did not happen at all, or at least I wished for them to be forever different. But the sad reality is that those sad times don’t ever get easier, or better, or less painful. They are set like that in your mind and will be probably rest there until you die.

Here is a photo and a story from every year since I finished school – 2015. And yes, even with my bad math I can tell you it’s been a whirlwind TEN10 years!

2015 – exploring the blue waters of the Pacific for the reset I needed

Straight after graduating, the Adkins clan took a holiday. While at first I didn’t think I would be a fan of going on a cruise, this trip changed everything. Swimming, eating, drinking, more swimming, more eating… you get the gist. This was the first time in a long time for me where I felt relaxed and, most importantly, happy.

2016 – getting stuck in the middle of nowhere by driving into a ditch, and other friendly bonding experiences

As a soon-to-be-man, it’s a rite of passage to do silly things in motor vehicles. And by gosh, did we do just that. A notable moment was me behind the wheel piloting Mum and Dad’s Nissan Navara Ute (before dual cab utes were cool), hitting a very soft clay section and, well, driving into a sizeable ditch with all my friends along for the ride. Awkward moment but funny as anything!

2017 – the roadtrip of a lifetime

One of the key highlights of 2017 was going on a huge road trip from Brisbane down to Melbourne, then returning through Canberra and Sydney, with my best friend Josh. Josh and I had been close buds during high school (we actually went to primary school together, too!) and we always loved cars. We had that shared passion since the very beginning.

We decided to use my parent’s bright blue Honda Jazz, pack our bags and hit the road. It was my first roadtrip without my family and I remember being pretty ill for the first few days. But wow, what an experience. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

2018 – falling in love

While I should have been studying journalism intently and concentrating in my lectures, I was also deeply in love with a fellow journalism student, Kayla. Love is not a word that should be thrown around, but we were inseparable. We were young and excited and full of adventure. We bonded over a love of music, going for long drives, and a love of the water and the beach. Kayla is probably one of the most important people I have ever met in my 26 years of living.

She made me a very happy guy and kept me going when things got tough. While we are no longer close (and no longer together), she will always hold a place in my heart. And as this blog post states in its heading, I have laughed and cried over our time together more than most would think. Thankfully, more laughing than the other!

2019 – falling into psychosis

The above photo was taken the day I turned 21. Not even four weeks before this photo, I had been hospitalised and placed into an involuntary admission to a psychiatric ward. I had never been to hospital in my life. If you’ve followed this blog since its inception, you will have learned a bit about me and what happened. It’s hard to look back. As time passes, however, I have found remembering the events more blurry than ever – maybe that’s a good thing.

When my mind switched into overdrive and upended my entire life, it was as if I had been thrown in the ocean with great big bricks tied to my feet. My life was sinking along with me. It was indescribable, and honestly, I was lucky to have had survived. Your brain can do marvellous things, but it can also make your life a living nightmare. I have never fully recovered since the event that took place in March, 2019.

2020 – the best bits of recovery, then relapsing

When everything fell apart in my life for a second time in December 2020, I was lost with what to do. My brain had ruined relationships, friendships, family ties, social acceptance from others, and more. I faced the stigma that almost all Australians face when it comes to mental illness – it was something nobody liked talking about.

Things were much more severe this second time around, and again I’d prefer not to go back into the details, but it was a very, very dark time in my life.

2021 – the resurgence of Zak and a farewell to Brisbane

2021 was the year that pulled me out of the mess that was my brain and got me back onto my feet. I could finally stand independently, so I went back to work and somehow still made life work the way I wanted it to. I eventually was offered a job in Sydney, so I held a big party with all my friends and family to say goodbye and then I drove myself down (with the huge support of my brother and parents) and settled in the very crazy Sydney, New South Wales. I was scared, nervous, but also excited to be living my dream of being a motoring writer and journalist. It was a nice way to help me forget the trials of the years prior.

2022 – cars, cars and more cars

As part of my job as a motoring journalist, I got to do a lot of amazing things, drive a lot of wonderful cars and go to some great places around the globe. But of all the things I did in 2022, driving to the most remote part of Australia – the OutBack – was one memory I will never, ever lose. We drove from Sydney all the way to the town of Broken Hill to ‘torture test’ dual-cab utes and to see which would break first. Thankfully, none of them did, but gosh it was a fun exercise any way! Sitting at an outlook as the golden sun set into the horizon was a wonderful memory. Australia is a very special place.

2023 – back on a cruise, filled me with great memories

Going on another cruise, this time to New Zealand, with my family was wonderful. We ate and drank like kings and queens and saw some marvellous parts of NZ, including the stunning Milford Sound. New Zealand, much like Canada, is high on my list of places I would actually live in other than Australia. It’s.just.that.good. Cruises are also underated, in my opinion. Such a good way to spend a week or two!

2024 – I write a book to tell my story

I always wanted to write a book, but I never expected it to be about me. When I had my first mental episode in 2019, I pledged I would write about it and try to make a difference for others suffering similar things. Finally, after some annoying setbacks, I self published my first book and held a launch party in Brisbane to celebrate. It was a defining and immensely special day for me. I cried happy tears, but also real tears of hurt. I had made it through the shit and out the other side. I thought then and there that I didn’t want others to ever go through what I had to. Mental illness is truly a nasty black dog.

2025 – it’s still happening!

Lots to come this year and with that many memories will be made. What are your favourite life memories?

Let me know!

Zak