Tales from a Bruised Mind

Close your eyes and imagine, just for a moment, the happiest and most productive version of yourself that you have ever been. 

Imagine looking at your life now through a set of multi-coloured glasses. You have no worries in the world, you feel important, useful and mentally strong. Imagine feeling that you no longer need sleep, because you have so much energy. You could run five kilometres, no problem, or write an entire university essay in just one night. Easy done. 

But what might be harder to imagine is the darker side of things… losing touch with reality, feeling paranoid, feeling scared, feeling like someone is after you. Perhaps you even feel like the world revolves around you. You might end up spending a lot of your money, or feeling more grandiose and self-important. 

Most frighteningly, you can’t tell at the time what is real and what isn’t. 

That is my definition of psychosis. 

My first battle with my brain, a really bruising moment, was a psychotic episode. Due to multiple factors, including huge stresses all through my life, my brain transformed to a mode I’d never experienced before. It was frightening. To feel like someone else entirely and to lose control, is a life-altering and life-changing experience. 

Since 2019, I have had four hospital admissions, two of which were involuntary and for the benefit of my own safety. 

The reality is that your mind can play tricks on you. It can make you feel invincible, or powerful, or make you act in a way that is not true to who you are. You may question your values, attitudes and beliefs. You may act on things you wish you never had. 

Psychosis occurring within the wires of your brain can make you aggressive, it can make you very angry and you might just hurt people in the process. I have witnessed it first hand and it’s disastrous. 

Early psychosis is a complex issue that affects a lot of young Australians. More than you’d think. 

But let me be clear: a diagnosis of psychosis might just be the tip of the iceberg, just as it was for me. 

Manic highs can be life-shattering 

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness without a cure. Sure, medication can help you to find stability, but the reality is that there is no ‘happy pill’ to take all of the mental pain away. Psychology, therapy, dieticians, psychiatrists and life mentors will all likely become a part of your life after a significant episode. 

Bipolar is about constant management to prevent relapse, to ultimately remain stable and work through each and every day. 

But bipolar illnesses can also be a dangerous roller coaster ride. 

At both ends of the spectrum, bipolar can make you do things you’ll regret. For me, my brain trying to guide me to swim across the Brisbane River in the middle of the night, walking down the middle of an 80km/h road in the early hours of the morning, or smashing holes in walls at home: it truly is as serious as it gets. 

I have come close to death several times. It might feel okay at the time, but when you wake up and realise what you’ve done, it might be a little too late. 

Manic is one thing, depression is just as painful

For me, extended periods (sometimes months) of depression are just as bad as the manic highs. Bipolar disorder can make you feel worthless and as colourless as a rainy day. You might struggle to get out of bed or even struggle to eat. And, it’s hard to say, but you might just want to give up. 

I have been in that dark tunnel before and I’m likely to go there again one day. It’s impossible to see in the dark, after all. It’s like there is a huge dark cloud covering you, or like a thick blanket of fog. 

Many, many people suffer from depression in Australia and around the world. But the key fact here is that it’s as serious as any other illness a human can experience. 

Mental health should be treated with as much importance as other physical illnesses people can be diagnosed with. 

We need to speak more about bipolar in general to help us help other people suffering in silence. 

Living and working in my dream job, even despite mental setbacks

My lived experience suffering from bipolar, or the most recent diagnosis of schizoaffective disorders, is a huge challenge. 

But the important thing is that bipolar does not define you, or make you less successful, or less talented or skilled than your peers or colleagues. 

When I was in primary school, I wanted to be like Jeremy Clarkson and watched TopGear religiously. In high school, while some of my friends were working towards doing medicine, or engineering, or business, I worked towards being a journalist and ultimately a automotive journalist, writer and presenter. 

My early 20s were very hard because of my illness, but I was able to gain amazing internships with some of Australia’s most prestigious automotive magazines. I flew to Melbourne to work with some of my heroes at Wheels and MOTOR, and I had to actually stop for a moment and pinch myself.

Early in 2022, I moved to Sydney, away from the comfort of home in Brisbane, as I had successfully landed a job with Chasing Cars, an automotive media outlet, as a journalist. 

It’s a role I am currently in. Some days, I wake up wondering how I got to be here. 

Driving utes to the outback for a torture test, flying to international destinations to report on the latest new cars, presenting YouTube videos, reviewing the hottest new metal in the industry, attending local launches of new cars and driving the occasional luxury sports car, is the definition of a dream come true for me.

And I somehow managed to accomplish all that while battling significant periods of depression, anxiety and, at times, mania. 

I have been fortunate to work with a group of professionals who understand my illness and how to work around it. I have been able to still play out my dream, even if it’s a little more difficult and challenging. 

I certainly don’t want my story to be depressing or make people feel down and out. 

If anything, I want my story to inspire others, to inspire people to work hard to achieve their goals, to get out of bed even if it’s so bloody hard to and to believe that the tunnel will end eventually and that there is light for when you get there. 

It’s all completely possible. I am living proof of that. 

It’s pretty easy for me to say “don’t give up”, but please, keep pushing. The hard days will become good days with time.

Believe in yourself and if you’re struggling, seek comfort with others, either professional or not. 

Zak  

If you need support, you can contact the following help lines:

• NSW Mental Health Hotline – 1800 011 511
• QLD Mental Health Hotline – 1300 642 255
• Lifeline – 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue – 1300 224 636

If it’s an emergency, call 000.